My Inner Teen

I started writing this last week Wednesday.

Lately, I’ve been having flashbacks of my teen years. It happens so randomly, and now I’m picking up my phone to type this. The first time the thought hit me was while I was on a bus to work. It was a sad wave. A very sad wave.

Sigh.

Here is what I wrote:

Babe, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I still see plans you drafted and lists you made, scribbled in your endless stack of journals. I know why you’re sad. You didn’t get most of the things you wanted, and you’re watching me still walking but not in the shoes you’d love to see me walk in. I’m not living your daydreams. I can’t tick off the lists you wrote. I can feel your tears running down my face. We’ll have to take it easy tonight because I’m sleeping in another’s bed. Take it easy on my heart tonight.

Yes, I remember your strength, and I remember your weaknesses too. I remember your independence, and I remember your loneliness too. I don’t regret opening the doors you closed. But I understand when you say I’m too comfortable, that I’m settling, that I’m not fighting like you. I can still see you on your knees in camp, and I remember the only prayer you used to pray when we got to number 10 (personal request). You’d always pray for Significance. You just wanted to be somebody. It was all you thought about when we sat in crowds. You wanted the stage.

I remember when your dreams crashed, and you broke. I remember how one ‘error’ as you called it, left you hanging in the balance for years. I remember you trying to assemble your broken pieces under the sheets. You needed the sun! And that ‘error’—the thing you were scared to do— is part of our story. Didn’t you eventually do it even though it almost drowned you?

It wasn’t Life that made me soft. You know how you were yearning for something more from the inside? Remember that bedside table where you’d keep your bible and talk to God about everything? Remember how we found IT? I followed Him deeper. Anxiety bowed. I stand in the sun now, even when it’s hot.

I found Peace, and maybe I’ve become a little too complacent. I’m sorry for all the things You wanted but couldn’t get. I’m sorry about the dreams that died. Let’s leave them behind. Yeah? Be calm. You see, it’s getting better. We have Him and a whole community too. It’s more than the dreams you scribbled. Wipe your tears so you can see clearly. See Peace.

I’m in a good place whether I fly or not. Be at peace, my darling. See?

Sigh.