Breaking Up With Family

I find it quite funny that even before we stepped into this world, there were already twists and turns that we would need to navigate. Things we had absolutely no idea about. The truth is that, from the very moment a child is conceived in the womb, there are certain things already set in stone.

Lately, I have seen young adults who are overwhelmed with the complexities of life. They jokingly complain about being born without their consent. Of course, there is no way to ask for a child’s permission to be conceived and born. Yet, masked by the humor is a realization of all the things beyond the control of a newborn child. Primarily, the place of birth and the family into which the child is born. Nobody gets to choose what family they are born into. You can change your geographical location and social status but you can not change the family you were born into. It remains a fact etched in history. However, upon attaining adulthood, the possibility of choosing to leave comes into the picture. For some, this will never cross their minds for contemplation. For some others, it will seem like a lifeboat to desperately jump into.

“For years I suffered silently at the hands of the people I called my parents. I was not allowed to have any friends or partake in any extracurricular activities. I was punished for the slightest mistakes. I felt worse than the caged parrot in our living room because even he was allowed to fly freely in our garden from time to time. He was not yelled at and whipped sore. I was expected to be in my room all day studying an endless list of books. I could only come out to eat at the dining table and sit in the library with my private tutor. I knew there was more to life than that. I could hear the laughter of the other children in the neighborhood. I saw them run around. I saw them being happy. My parents rarely ever laughed or even smiled. I had a list of instructions to follow strictly and my life had been planned out to the most insignificant detail. So, please do not judge me for absconding in my first year at the university. It has been one year already and I have seen life in ways I never imagined. I miss only the lively chatter of the parrot and how it was the only light on those gloomy days. Nothing else. One day, I want to ask my parents questions. I want to ask them what or who broke them, what life did to make them so numb. Anyway, that will be many years from now. I am still in search of my path. I do not have a family anymore.”

Ruth’s story leaves my eyes teary and throws me into a session of deep thoughts and contemplation.

Is it okay to leave Family?

Relationships with people are complex. It can be much more complicated with people you live with for a long period. It is important to make a distinction between misunderstandings and greater issues like toxicity and abuse. Family is one of the most valued associations in society. It should be characterized by unconditional love. However, it doesn’t always pan out this way.

Some serious issues that can trigger a desire to leave family are:

• Unrealistic Expectations

There are several situations in which a person is expected to live up to certain standards. This could be in aspects such as; education, career path, physical appearance, and marital choices. In cases like this, there is pressure to do certain things within a specific time frame irrespective of what the individual wants. This person starts to feel very pressured and may do all they can

to try to measure up. They end up losing themselves in the process. From a young age, children may develop feelings of guilt and even begin to hate themselves for disappointing their parents. These feelings often spill over into adulthood and eat deep into the morale of an individual.

• Bad Parenting

Children require the love and care of their parents to thrive. However, in certain situations, this can be grossly lacking. Loving a child conditionally by withholding affection can lead to low self-esteem and lack of confidence.

Furthermore, harsh disciplinary measures can hurt a child deeply. This can result in an adult who is overly fearful and very scared of making even the slightest mistakes. Parents can sometimes also project their insecurities and fears onto their children in ways that can be damaging. When a child who has had to endure the nuances of bad parenting becomes an adult or attains a certain level of freedom, there could be a build-up of contempt. This can spur a desire to be distant from such parents.

• Abuse (Sexual, Verbal and Physical)

This is a very critical point. Many times, in families, cases of abuse are downplayed and swept under the carpet. So much so that it is sometimes incredibly difficult for the victim to become self-aware, speak up, and find a way out of the situation. Oftentimes, the victim also experiences gaslighting and begins to doubt themselves. The effect of this is a constantly depreciating Self Esteem.

Abuse includes the following:

-Violently invading someone’s physical space

-Attacking or hitting a person. This includes the use of objects

-Rape or forced sexual acts

-Neglect and Emotional manipulation

-Verbal insults and name-calling

-Inappropriate physical touch

-Gaslighting

• Financial manipulation

Financial abuse is hardly spoken about, yet it is a very clear sign of abuse and toxicity in relationships. It is peculiar in the sense that it is an effective way to keep a person stuck in an abusive relationship. It involves controlling a person’s ability to make, keep and use money. Practical examples are: restricting a person from working, stealing their money, or controlling how they spend every dime. It also includes deliberately cutting a person off from financial help. This can be perpetuated by a parent to a child. Without access to money, the victim is at the mercy of the abuser and will find it very impossible to live a peaceful life.

Distancing oneself from a family member or the entire family can be a very difficult and confusing decision to make. However, you must address the issues instead of shying away from them. When you leave such issues unattended to or pretend like they do not exist, you allow yourself to be harmed even much more. You need to take a courageous step forward to address them or they will continue to eat deeper like cancerous cells.

How can you handle this? The following tips will help.

• Identify the issues

First, you will need to take time to calmly analyze the situation. Spend time alone sorting through how you feel and identify the challenges you are facing concerning your family. You will need to ask important questions— Is it a form of abuse? Physical, emotional, financial, or verbal? Who is/ are the family member(s) in question?

You will also need to do a critical self-examination void of any bias. Ask important questions and answer sincerely. How does this issue affect you and make you feel? What is your role in the issue? What can you do concerning the situation?

Critically examine the situation. Do this calmly on your own and away from external pressure. This will help you articulate your feelings and see things from a better perspective. If you live in the same house with your family, you can find a way to be away for some time to sort through your thoughts.

• Consult a Therapist

Breaking up with family is a life-changing decision and you will need to get all the help you can get. A trained therapist will be able to give you the assistance you need to further sort through

your emotions and take the right steps to salvage the situation. This will enable you to set boundaries or walk away.

In cases of abuse, there is already significant damage and you will need good therapy to heal and navigate your way through the pain and difficulties. Please, do seek this help to the extent that you can.

• Communicate and Set Boundaries

After sorting through your feelings through self-reflection and the help of a qualified therapist, it might be time to take a shot at telling your family how you feel. Express yourself extensively and be prepared for both positive and negative reactions. Do not stop there. Go ahead to establish boundaries. Be assertive and firm about your decisions.

Sometimes, it might be helpful to put measures in place to protect yourself while still maintaining a relationship with the person or persons in question before deciding to cut them off. This will also help you to measure their willingness to make changes.

It is also important to mention that setting boundaries could also mean moving away from being in the same geographical location. This will ensure you have your own space and stay away from family members who are being toxic to you. This is one of the fastest and most effective ways to establish boundaries in relationships while also giving yourself time and space to heal.

• Walk Away

There are cases in which you will have to completely walk away for the sake of self-preservation— for your safety and well-being. You have to be ready to admit that you can try your very best to salvage the situation and still end up with no positive results. When this happens, find the strength to make the hard choice to choose what is best for you. Do not spend time blaming yourself for the fallout. Instead, give yourself time to heal and trust the process. This does not always happen abruptly. It could also be the eventual outcome of gradually distancing yourself from the toxic person or group of persons.

At the end of the day, what will matter the most is that you gave yourself a chance to live a fulfilling life void of toxicity and abuse.